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From Idea to Reality: How Nine Months of Real-World Testing Shaped Deescalator
- Authors
- Name
- Pol Enault
From Idea to Reality: How Six Months of Real-World Testing Shaped Deescalator
When I first built Deescalator, I thought I knew what couples needed: a place to log arguments and see patterns. Six months of actually using it with my partner Lisa taught me I was only half right. The real insights came from discovering what we actually used, what we ignored, and what was missing entirely.
Here's how real-world testing transformed Deescalator from a simple conflict tracker into something that genuinely helps couples understand and improve their relationships.
The Features That Actually Mattered
After months of use, certain features proved essential while others were ignored:
Mobile-first design became crucial. Most of our conflicts happened while traveling, and we needed to log them on our phones in the moment or shortly after. A clunky mobile experience would have killed adoption immediately.
Private entries with optional sharing hit the sweet spot. Sometimes you need to process your own emotions before you're ready to share your perspective. Other times, reading each other's entries (when we chose to share them) provided insights we never would have gained through conversation alone.
The conflict calendar view became our most-used feature, even though it was almost an afterthought initially. Seeing our conflicts mapped out over time revealed patterns we never noticed: we tend to fight more when we're tired, conflicts cluster around certain life stressors, and we rarely have serious disagreements when we're maintaining our individual hobbies.
What Real Couples Actually Need
Through our own experience and conversations with friends, I learned that couples facing recurring conflicts need:
Permission to be honest about petty stuff. Half of relationship conflicts feel too small to discuss with a therapist but too persistent to ignore. Deescalator became a safe space to acknowledge "I know this is ridiculous, but it really bothers me when..."
Help seeing past the surface argument. The fight about dishes isn't about dishes—it's about feeling unappreciated. But you only realize this when you're forced to articulate why something bothered you, not just what happened.
Evidence that you're not crazy. When you keep having the same fight, it's easy to think you're incompatible or fundamentally broken as a couple. Seeing your patterns laid out objectively helps you realize you're normal—you just need better tools.
A bridge to better communication. Deescalator isn't therapy, but it's preparation for the conversations that actually resolve conflicts. When you've reflected on your own patterns and triggers, you can discuss them more productively.
The Moments That Made It Worth It
The real validation came in small moments:
Lisa saying, "I was about to get defensive, but then I remembered what I wrote about this pattern last month." That's behavior change happening in real-time.
Realizing we hadn't had a particular type of fight in weeks because we'd identified and addressed its root cause.
Friends asking to try Deescalator after hearing how it was helping us communicate better.
These weren't dramatic breakthroughs—they were subtle shifts that accumulated over time. Which, honestly, is how most relationship growth happens.
Why Simple Works Better
The biggest lesson from six months of testing: couples don't need complex features. They need:
- A low-friction way to capture conflicts when emotions are high
- Simple tools to identify patterns over time
- Privacy to process their own reactions before sharing
- Encouragement that they're not alone in having recurring conflicts
Everything else is noise. The app works because it gets out of the way and lets couples focus on understanding themselves and each other.
What's Next
Based on our real-world testing, I'm focused on the features that actually matter:
Better pattern recognition that surfaces insights without making users hunt for them.
Guided reflection questions that help dig deeper into the emotional dynamics behind conflicts.
Couple exercises for when you're ready to work through patterns together.
But most importantly, keeping it simple. Every feature addition gets tested against the same question: "Would Lisa and I actually use this when we're tired and frustrated?" If the answer is no, it doesn't make it into the app.
Ready to understand your conflict patterns?
Six months of real-world testing has shown me that most couples just need a structured way to step back and see what's really happening in their recurring arguments. If you love your partner but keep having the same fights, Deescalator might help you break those cycles.
The app is free during early access, and every couple who tries it helps me make it better.
Have questions about how it works? I'd love to hear about your own conflict patterns and what tools have helped (or haven't helped) you work through them.